I’m broken,I’m so broken.
Today I’ve made a choice. A choice I never ever wanna do.
But in order to protects myself,I need to.
What are they?
Last time I’ll tell you they’re a bunch of weirdos,retards that made my day everyday,made me laugh, made me angry,made me cry ,made me proud, angels that always made my day better. They are an idol group that I look up to, an amazing brothers relationship that I hope all of them are my brothers.
If you ask me today I’ll tell you,they are peoples who disappoint me,made me sad,made me heart broken,made me so fed up,made me so soulless, made my eyes swollen from crying,made me an emo kid. That’s the difference.
The group is broken so am I.
Kris,my bias have left. As much as I said how awful I felt about it I will always support his choice. Everything is too hurtful,everything said by the 11 members is too hurtful,I can’t take,it felt like I don’t even know them anymore,they’re not the EXO members that I know all along. They should understand him but they didn’t but instead of supporting him,they blamed him,they scolded him,they made him became the “betrayer”. Is too hurtful to see things like this. I couldn’t take it. They used to be 12 as ONE but now they’re not. I used to say I’ll only stand by 12 of them not excluding anyone. Even though today the leaving one is not Kris but another members I’ll do the same as well. I’ll wait for the last confirmation,the last hope,the last chance being crashed. So I did,my last hope and last chance crashed. I can’t stand seeing an EXO group photos with 11 members. I can’t see d others is enjoying cheering being happy while d other one suffer everything alone,is unfair. But I know,life is never fair. Is just that I hope miracles will happened to them,wishing d others will at least fight for him,stand by him but yet they didn’t. I didn’t expect them to scold SM or anything like how KEV did because I know you guys still need to survive in that company and grow stronger to live your dream but the least I was expecting is you to just not say anything,keep quiet. Don’t keep assuming he’s the “betrayer” we all know why he left. Don’t be so heartless,don’t be such a jerk. What for saying all this now? You’ve been a jerk,an asshole,a friend with benefit,a faker. You didn’t fight for for your 7yrs friend like a men,you just blame him for anything,is that what you do to your brother/your friend? You guys are in the same group, group members,you guys should been through more things with him then others but why only Kev d only one with balls to fight for him? Well,Im still proud of his others real brothers,real friends who is a man ,who is a man with balls to fight for him and stand by him. Im really blessed, really blessed.
DUIZHANG KRIS,WU YI FAN,
I know you’ll never read this but I just wanna say Thankyou. Thank you so much for everything. Thank you for your motivation, thank you for being my happiness,my laughter, my tears of joy,my retardness,my strength, my prince charming & more. Thank you,you’ve been great to me. You’ve being so much to us,did so much for us but I/we can’t do anything for you. I really wanna go to SM to fight for you,I even wanna be a lawyer out of sudden,a successful lawyer to fight this lawsuit for you and made you proud and let them be shame of themselves. I wanna be a successful song producer to produce good song and let you fight against them to prove to them they’re losing on something amazing and tell them they are the one that let go so they should regret like shit. Yet I can’t do anything,I can’t do anything to help you. I can only keep seeing peoples hurting you and by hurting you it hurts me too but I know you’ll be hurting much more then us. Stay strong Yifan,they got nothing on you. Don’t look down,raise your head and don’t let the crown fall. Remember you’re always my prince charming. WYF,I really miss you a lot,a lot. I can’t take it,everything is hurting you,seeing your photo hurts me,I miss you. Yifan,you’ve suffered. I don’t think I can ever meet you but if I was lucky to meet you,please stop a moment and don’t walk away. Let me see you,let me see if you’re okay,you’re healthy,you’re happy,I’ll be grateful already. But if I really get to see you one day,I would love to talk to you,even if we’re both old. I would tell you how I fangirl over you,how crazy I was for you,how charming you are and more. But by the end of the day,yifan,don’t turn your back first. Let me hug you,tell you “Fanqing will always be here just like wu yi fan will always be here” and I’ll try to let you go. Before you,I never thought that I will fall for a kpop group anymore, never thought I will fall so hard over an asian idol besides then looking up to them like Nicholas Tse, Jay Chou & more. When it comes to you,is so different. I fell so hard for you,so hard that is hard to get back up again. The love seems so real,so serious. I went mad,everyone said that. Everyone said that I went mad crazy over you and I would admit yes, I did. I would buy all merchandise with you included,I’ll save that money just to buy the merchandise from overseas. I always want you to be the best and I would fight for you till the end. So here I am,I fought,I fought with my heart till the very end but it was still broken. It doesn’t matter,is not the first time,Im all fine. Im not gonna write a super long one this time is because I don’t want the broken pieces to break once again. Is painful.
If some ask me ” Do you regret?”
My answer will be NO.
No,I’m don’t regret loving you,falling so hard and hurting now because FanFan,you’re worth it
I hope to see you smiling like this again.They have begin smiling ,happy going on with their life,so you should too. But most importantly,make sure you’re healthy. Take good care,I mean BEST CARE of yourself because you’re worth it.
Thankyou for your memories.
I’ve tried my best to typed those chinese words even thought is still so weird but it is better then before.
The reason I let EXO go wasn’t your fault,like I said,Even if is not you today,I’ll do the same too. This is my vow when I first fall for EXO, You guys are one as 12. Leave no one behind. So if by chance you read this,don’t blame yourself,you didnt made me do this. I did it myself.
Guess is true eh?
I let you go,wyf. By accepting you leaved EXO for goods but in returns please take good care of yourself and stay healthy and happy. Update us somehow too cause I missed you.
凡凡。吴亦凡。Kris. Duizhang. Galaxy Hyung. Dragon. Kriscasso.
I love you.
Someone take me away cause I can’t take this pain.
I’m crashed for today. So crashed.
So,I went for briefing today. Everything is okay just I’m the only one which is not okay. My eyes hurts so badly from all the crying the night before which is so bad. I have swallon eye and more. I wasn’t smiling much. I know I probably look like a bitch newbie that doesn’t smile,talk nor join into groups. I felt bad but I can’t smile. I can’t even fake a smile,I’m surprised as well. I try to control my emotion and not let it express during the day but is hard. Is so hard this time around.
I tried to not think about it, thinking it should go naturally. I went & ate good food with my friend and had a fun chat. I had one great brunch. Food make me happy so I did enjoyed and was kind of happy for a moment. I was pressured by the timetable,classes and works starting next week and of course the EXO thing again. For that moment I stopped thinking about everything and I’m feeling better but then I decided to go check out on Twitter see if there’s any updates. BOOM. There I go,crashed. Kris updates on weibo and instagram. That truly hurt me. It sounded like he really is leaving EXO already. I’m hurt I wanna cry. I think so much I almost trip in front of the restaurant but I’m not embarrassed cause the pain in my heart is too much. My tears streaming but I promise myself to not cry at all today. I tried my best. I didn’t cry.I was strong,I thought. But I’m not,I went to the toilet, my tears broke the promise and shed out of my eyes. I was hurt,I shed a tears and I mess my hair. But before I open that door,I make sure I still look okay. I look into the mirror,I saw a messed up girl. My mascara is ruined,my hair is a mess. It doesn’t really matter actually but I don’t wanna look so crashed. I kept telling myself “hang on there,hang on there. at least not here in front of peoples” I kept looking up and turning my eyes cause I don’t wanna have eye contact with anyone. My friend decided to go into a CD shop,I walk in I saw album of “Miracle In December” I just look at it and try to control myself once again then my friend tell me ” Don’t look up” but I did,once I look up,I see my charming duizhang Kris is smiling brightly from the Miracle In December poster. In the poster of OT12,I only see him,his smile strikes me. I walk away and my tears is rolling out so bad but I controlled it cause no matter what I’m not at home,at my own room and I’m not alone. I can’t cry. That’s probably my rules, I won’t cry in public,the one that should see me crying should just be me and only me.
Went home and notice another heart breaking news,seeing you suffered so much. You visited so many hospital without us knowing,you went for so many checkup and now saying you have high risk of having myocarditis. I’m crashed all over again. It was stated it might caused death and you hided from us all the while. During MAMA era,I used to tell my friend that you don’t look healthy,as in like you’re having health problems. My friend cheer me up saying don’t think so much and I accepted it,maybe just the weather that’s why you’re just having flu. During your birthday,you keep holding and grabbing so hard on your shirt,at the chest area,you kept holding on it and inhale heavily. I wonder why that time and now I know. Now I know why all the while you look so sick and tired. I know the sad truth now. I know the truth that you’ve been hiding from us so long. I’m glad we know now,although is a pain truth but at least we know now. At this point I kept thinking & wondering did Tao really posted that cause if it was really him,I’m really disappointed. You should know very well that he is suffering from this sickness, he needed rest,he needed treatment to maintain it so it won’t worsen it. Don’t you want him to live a healthy life then living a busy life that is torturing him and also slowly killing him? Although if you want fame,you should think about him too. He’s young and he should live a long healthy and happy life. So twitter started trending “Goodbye Kris” . That’s hurtful.
As much as I hate to admit it,I’m gonna admit it. I kind of think you’re leaving, Kris. but just so you know as I kept mentioning ,if is for the best for you then go for it I’ll support you. Is hurt to see you go,is hurt to see EXO without you but if is good for you I’ll accept it,just give me time. Today was a gloomy night at SMent. Happy virus Chanyeol look like he cried so hard,his eyes and cheek is so red. My heart just went like,ouch. Yixing walked home alone,he needed air to breath. Tao was crying & singing in the company. It hurts me to see them like that but I still have mix feelings about whether they’re sad of you leaving or are they disappointed on you? I secretly hope they’re sad about you leaving and not being disappointed. I want them to still love you,miss you,want you back. Mix feelings is killing me. I don’t know what to believe in I only believe in you Kris. Kris,how are you doing? Are you okay? I wanna go run looking for you just to make sure you’re okay. If you’re crying,I wanna go wipe off those tears and look into your eyes to say ” I got your back bro,you’re not alone. You didn’t betray them,you did nothing wrong.” If you’re cold,I wanna blow hot air to your hand and rub them for you. I’ll let you use my jacket,if is too small for you to wear then I’ll use at to cover your bear hand to protects those beautiful hand of yours and I’ll give you a koala hug to keep you warm. If you can’t sleep,I wanna sing a lullaby for you ,I wouldn’t be as good as your mum but I’ll try my best to fulfill you. I would do anything to make you feel better,even just a little bit.
Duizhang,as much as I support your choice but I have to admit I’ll really miss you as the duizhang of EXO-M where you say, “一，二，三，WE ARE ONE！’ ‘大家好，我是EXOM 队长，KRIS。” I’ll miss you saying that. I’ll miss you introducing the new album,the title song and more. I’ll miss you drawing on stage telling every of us you’re Picasso Kris and made everyone burst into laughter,MC joke on you ,yixing will try to explain your drawing ,teaching you how to draw at the back when others is showing their drawing. I’ll miss fanxing/kray,krishun,krishan,krisho,taoris,krisbaek,kairis,krissoo,krischen,krisyeol,krismin ,krisbaek moment in the airport,on stage ,off stage,every where. I don’t like you getting hurt but as much as I dislike it,I still love to see you protecting the members at the airport,opening the road for them,when is too squishy at the back,you’ll be worry. You’ll look behind,check on all the members and pull them to the front of they won’t be push away at the back. With your board back and shoulder,you protects them,hold their hand,make sure every of them is at your view. I love hearing them praising on you being such an amazing duizhang. I’ll miss you going shopping with them,go to cafe with them. I’ll miss you putting your arms over their shoulder and pull them closer. I’ll miss you smiling ,laughing or even you do retard shit. Once you leave,who’s gonna buy expensive boxer for chanyeol on his birthday and be his twin tower partner? Who gonna accompany tao to shower? Who luhan gonna teased? Who Yixing gonna teach about drawing? Who will turn behind doing thumbs up and go praising Chen & Xiumin after they spoke good chinese? Who gonna piggy back chen? Who gonna defend for xiumin when people call him fat? Who gonna be the 00 in 100% with suho? Who can Kai demonstrate dance to? Who is Baekhyun gonna hug after getting award and made us the “HE’S MINE” face? Who is gonna be Sehun daddy and be his rice shaker partner while waiting for the BBQ intestine be cooked? Who D.O gonna give the stone look over lame jokes like yours? But in all this I know very well. A truth. A realistic thing,when times goes by,peoples forget,get used to it and it won’t be a matter anymore. I know. Life goes on,peoples are always constantly moving and changing. We can’t expect or hope for things to stay the same way forever. That’s the sad fact.
I shouldn’t cry but here I am crying so hard. Tears falling like waterfall. I look into the mirror and I’m shocked,my dark circles,my vains inside my eyes. Is really ugly but I couldn’t care. I got too comfortable over you in exo,I got used to it. So I want you to be more healthy and happier if you’re leaving EXO. Stay strong Kris,you must’ve been hurting seeing what your didi commenting on you,all his msgs. I’m hurt too. Where is all the memories? Where is all the feelings? You left because of your health and not betraying them. I don’t understand.
I don’t want you being called the betrayer
I don’t wanna see you sad
Tao just updated his weibo and there goes my disappointment. He is my biggest disappointment. Really is. I’m hurt while I read,I can’t imagine you reading it kris. Stay strong kris. Stay strong. He’s the one who doesn’t appreciate you.You shouldn’t be treated this way. I don’t understand why are they so mad or even disappointed. You health is actually on the red light and I still can’t imagine them not understanding it. If I’m a part of EXO,although it hurts,I’ll let you go but I can guarantee I won’t be mad cause you’re a friend and a brother. Your health is more important then fame or money. Seeing his msg keep reminding is hopeless.Last night,I told myself to be prepared. I’ve prepared myself to accept whatever it is. But guess my heart didn’t really get prepared that’s why it feels like is broken now.
不一定做到到可是 I’ll try my very best.
His intention was never leave the group but to have better treatment sadly SM’s answer is only
”you stay or you leave,that’s it”
Rewatching all the old fan vid and interview is like stabbing my own heart over and over again.
I want the best for him but the best for him wouldn’t be the best for them.
So,today was my orientation day at KDU & everything is going smooth. I was in a pretty good mood joking with my sister and stuff suddenly I just got this call from my friend asking me “你的Kris发生什么事？” She explained to me I stoned my tears just fill up my eyes in less then 5sec. I didn’t wanna accept it so I went and see it myself. My heart sink to the lowest ground and then it crashed broke right in front of me. My hand is shaking hoping I don’t understand what the passage is writing about.hoping that I have understanding problem. I read to my sister then she was kind of stoned and calm me down saying Chill,is not confirm yet. To me, “not confirm” is just an excuse. I already see this coming since the past few weeks but I didn’t wanna believe it,telling myself I’m thinking too much. They love each others,they will sticks together to the end of the day to go through everything together. Those was just things I said to myself to make myself feel better,an excuse not to face the truth. I knew it all along.this will come,this is happening. I kept forcing myself to let go for them since the past few months but I just can’t let Kris go,I can’t let go of his hand,can’t let go the others 11 hand. I wanna walk down this beautiful path with them. Hoping there’s a miracle,hoping they will make a changes,hoping they will impress me,hoping they will show me ,prove to me what I was expecting is not happening let me shame on my own stupidity but I was wrong. I shouldn’t hope for anything from them,shouldn’t even hope for a change between them, I’ve known this will come back since the last incident last year. I knew it,I just don’t wanna face it but hope to see difference that I’ve know there won’t be one. I expected which I shouldn’t have so I wouldn’t be so hurt now.
Kris, I need your hug. I want to hug you and tell you everything is gonna be okay,I want you to hug me and tell me everything is gonna be okay. I’m such an ass,I cried so much. My eyes hurts so bad and is so red now. My eyes is swallon. I tried to stop crying but whenever I see your photo my heart just sink from the top again. I sound dramatic I know. But that’s my love for you. I don’t care people judging my love for you,I don’t care if people call me a over dramatic girl now. I lose control Kris. I need you back,not just me but also all the others 凡亲. I need to see that smile again,the natural smile not the fake one. I need it but what can I do? I wanna go to you and do all thing that I could, even by losing my image in front of peoples to do all retard and stupid things just to see that 1 natural smile, 1 natural laugh and you can’t stop and have to hold up to your stomach. I want the room,the videos to have your retard loud laugh again.
There’s still no confirmation of you leaving EXO but I doubt it,I won’t be expecting anymore. I gave up. I gave up on EXO. You probably won’t want me or any others doing this but I’m sorry,even if you come to me asking me to support them even without you,I can’t. I can’t stand seeing a video without you,I can’t see people replace you,I can’t see a vid without you talking,I can’t see an EXO vid with just 11 members inside. I’m meant to love you Kris,when the day I see EXO,you’re the only one who caught my eyes in a sec. You’re meant for me to love. Is okay if you don’t know me,as long as I know my love is strong I’ll comfort myself saying, even when peoples leave,my love will comfort you and protects you. I won’t judge,I won’t be mad if you choose to leave EXO. I’ll support your choice cause you’re the only one who knows whats best for you. You should fight for your rights, there’s no wrong doing that. No matter if you win or lose the lawsuit you’re still my champion,standing up for your own rights. I’ll always admire you. I believe you never wanted to betrayed EXO. I know you love them like your own brothers. I’m not sure if those instagram post is really by them but if is really them I know you’ve must been hurt. We all can see how you took care,love & protects them. Seeing them post like this I’m not satisfied,I really don’t. I don’t understand how can people be like this, they can’t be like this. You have feelings too. How can they do this to you? I don’t understand. I wanna go in front of them and remind them all the flashback,all the good memories you guys had together. Have they forgotten? I want them to realize and put down what they’re doing and run to you again. I want them to watch “Ah Boy To Men” and tell them “LEAVE NO MAN BEHIND”.
Without you in EXO they will be no me too. You’re my bias and my only bias in EXO. I look up to you Kris. My friend probably wondering like why the hell I made it such a big deal,you’re just an idol,you won’t notice me,why am I being such dramatic bitch. The reason is you’re my happiness,you’re my support,you’re my sky,you’re my inspiration,my idol,my target & my buddy. You made me happy whenever I’m sad ,just by seeing your vid,photos or GIF will easily bring a smile to me and I’m always surprised how can someone who is just inside an vid,photos or GIF can easily made me smile but not those around me. You’re my support, you’re the support when I need to go through every hard path I’m going through. You’re my sky,I hate crying,I hate seeing my tears roll down to my cheek I hate seeing myself weak,I always look up to the sky not letting the tears roll down. When I look up to the sky,I thought of you. You always tell us to remember that you’re a dragon and you can fly to look for us anytime. Every time I look up to the sky,I imagine you’re flying on the sky giving us comfort. You’re my inspiration,always have been. When I first found out about you I start watching all the interview checking you out, although peoples say you don’t have any talents and why are you in EXO but in every era I see improvement,in every new photos,I see improvement. You were a cold prince to us,you don’t smile nor talk but step by step you change for us. I remember in 1 interview you said you’ll try to change,try to smile more. & you did keep your promise,since wolf era,we’re seeing a different you,a kept smiling Kris. I don’t know if those are real smiles but just so you know,we appreciated the you tried and put in so much effort to change for us. Put in all the hard work so you fans won’t get bash because we’re stanning for “someone who have no talents.” You put in effort to be more open,you dance better,you sing better,you rap better ,you MC better every single time. Every changes meant something. Performance will be perfect because of improvement and you did it for us. I wanna improve like you going step by step ,have faith & brave. My target,My target is to be someone like you. A good duizhang/leader that protects the members,give them their needs when they need,let out a hand to hold them up again when they fall,stand by them,fight for them,sacrifice yourself to them. To become a good friend,a good brother to everyone. You’re also my invisible buddy. You’re the poster that I’ll stare at it and won’t get bored at all. At night when I can’t sleep,depressed,your smile in the Natural Republic poster will kept smiling at me which I somehow really wanna punch you. Still that smile means a lot to me. I’ll always think I should smile like you no matter what happen and be as positive as you.
If you’re really leaving EXO,this will be your last Galaxy, I hope you did enjoyed that night. I didn’t know my MTV World Stage will be my last time seeing you as EXO Kris,duizhang or even the member. I didn’t expect that will be my last time seeing you. It hurts to remind myself that’s the truth now. I won’t be going to EXO FIRST SOLO CONCERT anymore. I remember how me & my EXO buddy used to dream about you guys having your own solo concert & promised we will save a lot of money and buy VVIP seat to see you guys. But now is all not happening,at least not happening to me anymore. Without you,EXO is different. I can’t see your line being replaced by the others. I can’t see you being replaced. I won’t be searching for you all over the stage anymore,I won’t be shouting my lungs out to your name nor any others members’s name that caused peoples in front of me turn their back and said to me ” WOW,YOU’RE ONE HUGE HARDCORE FANS OF KRIS AND THE WHOLE EXO MAN!” I don’t have the chance anymore. I won’t be watching fan video of performance looking for the tallest guy anymore,I won’t be watching fan video looking for that 00 KRIS shirt anymore. I won’t be catching up to all music shows live waiting for EXO performance and cheer like mad woman,my mum won’t be having the chance to watch EXO performance on music shows anymore. My mum won’t get to praise any of them anymore including you. I won’t be jumping like a monkey having tears of joy in my eyes when you guys win. I won’t be proud to be an EXO fan anymore telling my mum how successful you guys are in just 2yrs,breaking records and stuff. I won’t be proud anymore. Gone,everything is gone. I’m hurt,I’m disappointed. You may say that I’m selfish and pathetic but I will still won’t leave him behind like others does. I know when times goes by,peoples just let it pass,no one will care anymore but for me,at least now,I’m still here supporting him.
I won’t blame you on your choice Kris,I’ll support you all along. You’re a big boy and I bet you yourself know what you really want,what you want to fight for,what worth your time,energy and love. There’s time like this,is really heartbreaking. But we got your back Kris. I got your back,I’ll be your support just like how you were my support. I won’t be the same anymore but I’ll take time to accept it. I hope the best for you Kris. You’ll probably miss them but you won’t get to do anything,just draw them up again or I can draw for you too. You’ll probably miss your galaxy ocean,sorry that I can’t do that for you but I’ll do a mini galaxy ocean for you. You’ll probably miss peoples calling you duizhang,you said it before that you prefer people calling you duizhang cause you love it,I can call you duizhang instead of Kris. If I’m not your style,I’ll hide myself up just to do things that make you happy all over again just like how you always make me smile instantly. Remember duizhang kris,no matter what happened,you got me. If you’re falling off a cliff,I’ll let out a hand and pull you up with all my strength to pull you up the cliff again. If you ever drown inside the water,Ill swim to the deepest to save you and be brave for you. If you’re falling off a towel I’ll already be at downstairs ready to save you and tell you I got your back. If you’re bored,I’ll look for all the interesting book you might like and bring to you to kill your boredom. If you wanna go shopping,I’ll go with you. If you need a shoulder to cry on,even if I’m short,I’ll sit on a taller chair so you can reach my shoulder comfortably. If you need a hug,I’m fat enough for you to hug. Just want you to know,I’ve love you and I will still love you no matter what the last choice is. I’ll respect your choice. You’re just like a prince charming from disney princess story that came into my life. You’re like a fairy tale to me. Because to me,every gaze into your eyes in an adventure to a better world,an escape from reality.